Let’s talk about wealth taxes. Not because we want to—discussing fiscal policy is about as fun as watching a C-SPAN marathon on ketamine—but because a gaggle of economists with PowerPoints and a vendetta against success have decided that your money isn’t really yours. Enter Gabriel Zucman, the Bernie Madoff of macroeconomic theory, who’s cooked up a scheme to tax wealth you haven’t even cashed in yet. Unrealized gains? More like unrealized gullibility.  

The “Science” of Grabbing Your Wallet
Zucman’s argument rests on the idea that wealth inequality is a crime against humanity, solved only by turning the IRS into a nationwide pawnshop. His data? A Rube Goldberg machine of aggregates, snapshots, and assumptions that’d make a used-car salesman blush. As one critic noted, Zucman’s models treat individuals like lab rats in a Skinner box, ignoring the fact that people age, promote, and—shockingly—change jobs [1]. By fixating on percentile rankings, he’s essentially arguing that a 25-year-old barista today is worse off than a 25-year-old barista in 1980 because… well, just because. Never mind that the modern barista sips $8 oat-milk lattes while streaming Netflix on an iPhone thinner than a credit card.  

The real kicker? Zucman’s inflation adjustments ignore actual gains in quality of life. CPI doesn’t account for the fact that your 2025 Honda Civic has more computing power than the Apollo 11 mission, or that you can video-call your therapist from a mountaintop. But why let reality muddy a good class-warfare narrative?  

Unrealized Gains: Taxing the Invisible
Taxing unrealized capital gains is like charging kids for the imaginary cookies they’ll bake in a future that may never come. Let’s say you own a startup valued at $10 million. Congrats! Now hand over $2 million to the government—even though you haven’t sold a single share. Where’s the cash coming from? A yard sale? A kidney auction? This isn’t policy; it’s a shakedown masquerading as social justice.  

And valuation? Good luck. The IRS will now employ psychic auditors to divine your net worth. “We sense… a vintage Pokémon card collection. Pay up, or Pikachu gets it.”  

The Moral Math of Theft
Liberals love to frame wealth taxes as “fairness.” But let’s be clear: fairness is a toddler’s concept, right up there with “why can’t I eat cookies for dinner?” Coercion isn’t compassion. Forcing someone to hand over assets they’ve risked, built, or inherited isn’t noble—it’s state-sponsored envy. As one blogger put it, “Using aggregates to justify theft is like saying all dogs should wear sweaters because one chihuahua shivers” [1].  

Besides, when has government ever managed money wisely? The same folks who gave us $800 toilet seats and a $22 trillion debt now want to “redistribute” your portfolio. Trusting politicians with wealth is like trusting Hunter S. Thompson to babysit your liquor cabinet.  

Europe’s Cautionary Tale
France tried wealth taxes. The result? A mass exodus of innovators and a GDP growth rate slower than a stoned sloth. Zucman’s home country now has a “brain drain” problem so severe they’re considering paying people to stay. Meanwhile, U.S. corporate retained earnings—which Zucman cites as proof of greed—are actually a sign of confidence in a system that hasn’t been looted by bureaucrats [1].  

The Libertarian Antidote  
Here’s a radical idea: Let people keep what they earn. Innovation thrives when risk is rewarded, not punished. A wealth tax doesn’t just drain bank accounts—it drains ambition. Why build a business if the government will siphon off its potential value before it’s even realized?  

As for Zucman’s “data,” remember: Economists can prove anything if they ignore enough variables. The only thing more fictional than their models is the notion that politicians will spend your money wisely.  

Final thought: The wealth tax isn’t about equality. It’s about control. And the only thing worse than being poor is being told you’re too stupid to manage your own life by people who think “stimulus” means buying another Tesla with your taxes.  

Libertas: Where freedom isn’t just a slogan—it’s the reason you can still afford to laugh at this article.