CANBERRA — In a rare moment of job security for federal employees, technology experts have concluded that artificial intelligence (AI) is unlikely to replace government bureaucrats anytime soon. The reason? AI simply isn’t soulless enough to match the unique blend of apathy, inefficiency, and unyielding devotion to red tape that defines the modern bureaucrat.

“AI can process data, make decisions, and even mimic human behaviour to an extent,” said Dr. Alan Turing Jr., a leading AI researcher at the Liberty Institute. “But when it comes to the sheer joy of making citizens wait six months for a permit or enforcing contradictory regulations with a straight face, AI just doesn’t have the stomach for it. There’s a certain… lack of humanity that no algorithm can replicate.”

The findings come as a relief to the nation’s 2.1 million federal workers, many of whom feared that advancements in automation might threaten their livelihoods. From the Department of Motor Vehicles to the IRS, bureaucrats have long been the backbone of government operations, ensuring that no task is too simple to be bogged down by forms, fees, or inexplicable delays.

“I was worried AI might take my job,” said Janet M. Thompson, a 27-year veteran of the Department of Redundant Oversight. “But then I realized no computer could spend three hours explaining why a form was filled out in blue ink instead of black. That’s a human touch—well, a bureaucratic one, at least.”

Industry analysts point out that AI struggles with the nuanced art of bureaucratic stonewalling. For instance, while AI can generate responses in milliseconds, it lacks the instinct to send a citizen to the wrong department, only to have them return with an outdated form. Nor can it replicate the Kafkaesque charm of a 47-page application for a fishing license.
“AI is too logical,” said tech consultant Maria Freeman. “It tries to solve problems. Bureaucrats thrive on creating them. That’s not a bug in the system—it’s the system.”
The report has sparked mixed reactions among taxpayers, many of whom had hoped AI might streamline government services. “I thought AI could cut through the nonsense,” said small business owner Tom Reynolds, who recently spent nine months navigating the permits office. “But I guess there’s no replacing the guy who stamps your form ‘DENIED’ because you used the wrong font.”
For now, the federal workforce can breathe easy, secure in the knowledge that their unique brand of obstructionism remains irreplaceable. As one anonymous bureaucrat put it, “AI might be smart, but it’ll never understand the poetry of a 3 p.m. coffee break during a taxpayer’s third visit to my desk.”
Libertas reached out to several AI developers for comment, but all responses were deemed too efficient and were returned for revision.