In a world where common sense is scarcer than a balanced budget, our esteemed federal judiciary and their left-wing lawyer pals have taken their gavels to new heights—or, rather, new lows—by attempting to outlaw the laws of physics. Yes, dear readers of Libertas, the same folks who think “shall not be infringed” is just a suggestion have now set their sights on gravity, inertia, and probably the second law of thermodynamics for good measure. If you thought the Babylon Bee was kidding when it reported a federal judge overturning the law of gravity (Babylon Bee, "Federal Judge Overturns Law of Gravity"), think again. This is the natural endpoint of a legal system that believes feelings trump facts and precedent trumps reality.

Picture this: a courtroom in some coastal enclave where the air smells of kale and self-righteousness. A judge, robes flowing like a cape of moral superiority, peers over her glasses at a trembling physicist. “Dr. Newton,” she intones, “your so-called ‘laws’ of motion are exclusionary. Why should objects at rest stay at rest? That’s elitist! And don’t get me started on gravity—it’s literally keeping people down.” The left-wing lawyers nod solemnly, scribbling notes about “systemic oppression in Newtonian mechanics.” By lunchtime, gravity is ruled unconstitutional, and apples are free to float wherever they damn well please.

This isn’t just a one-off. Oh no, the legal left has been warming up for this fight. They’ve already banned plastic straws (because turtles are more equal than humans), gas stoves (because clean energy is cooler when it browns out your grid), and now they’re coming for the fundamental forces of the universe. Why stop at gravity? Electromagnetism is next—too “shocking” for marginalized communities. Quantum mechanics? Clearly a tool of patriarchal uncertainty. And don’t even mention thermodynamics; entropy is just too chaotic for a society striving for equity.

The logic, if you can call it that, is airtight. If laws can be rewritten to make 2+2=5 (or 22, depending on your identity group), why not rewrite the laws of physics? After all, gravity discriminates against those who can’t afford jetpacks. Inertia unfairly privileges objects already in motion—talk about momentum privilege! And the speed of light? A clear case of ableism, mocking those who can’t keep up with photons. The solution, naturally, is to sue the universe into submission. File an injunction against black holes for being too attractive. Slap a restraining order on relativity for bending space-time without a permit.

The masterminds behind this cosmic coup are the left-wing lawyers, those noble warriors who’ve never met a regulation they didn’t love or a freedom they didn’t loathe. Armed with law degrees and an unshakeable belief that reality is just a social construct, they’re ready to litigate the cosmos. Their briefs read like a fever dream: “Your Honor, the law of conservation of energy violates the Equal Protection Clause by conserving some people’s energy more than others.” The judge, naturally, agrees, because who needs empirical evidence when you’ve got a gavel and a grudge?

But let’s not be too hard on these legal luminaries. They’re just following the natural progression of progressive jurisprudence: if you can redefine marriage, gender, and the First Amendment, why not redefine gravity? The beauty of this approach is its simplicity. Don’t like a law? Call it oppressive. Don’t like a fact? Call it hate speech. Don’t like falling when you trip? Sue Isaac Newton for microaggressions. It’s the ultimate power trip—until the courtroom starts floating away because, you know, gravity’s been repealed.
So what electron

What’s next, you ask? A class-action lawsuit against the periodic table for “chemical supremacy.” Hydrogen gets top billing, while poor old Ununoctium languishes at the bottom. That’s not justice—that’s elemental apartheid! Expect a mandate for diversity quotas in atomic structure: every molecule must include at least one underrepresented isotope. And don’t be surprised when the Supreme Court rules that pi is no longer 3.14159 but “whatever feels circular to you.” Math, after all, is just another tool of the oppressor.

The libertarian in me wants to laugh, but the realist in me is checking my parachute. When judges and lawyers start rewriting the fabric of reality, it’s only a matter of time before they outlaw dissent—or oxygen. My modest proposal? Let’s beat them to the punch. Ban reality itself. Declare existence a hate crime and mandate that everyone identify as a non-entity. It’s the only way to ensure equity: if nothing exists, nobody’s oppressed. Until then, I’m stocking up on helium balloons. Gravity may be gone, but I’m not taking any chances.