MELBOURNE, VIC — In a bold twist inspired by a recent reports in the Babylon Bee that Donald Trump plans to fence off San Francisco to expand Alcatraz, Victorian Premier Jacinta Allan has announced an equally audacious plan: if Liberal candidate Tim Wilson wins the federal seat of Goldstein in the next election, she’ll turn the entire electorate into a maximum-security prison.

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“This is a game-changer for Victoria’s justice system,” Allan declared at a press conference held in a mock jail cell set up outside Brighton Beach. “If Tim Wilson thinks he can waltz back into Goldstein, we’ll make sure he’s representing his constituents from behind bars—literally. We’re calling it ‘Operation Golden Lockdown.’”

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Drawing inspiration from Trump’s plan Allan aims to encircle Goldstein to house “Victoria’s most ruthless offenders,” Allan’s plan involves erecting a massive, razor-wire-topped fence around Goldstein’s boundaries, from Sandringham to Elsternwick.

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The affluent bayside electorate, known for its leafy streets and beachside cafes, would be repurposed as a containment zone for “Victoria’s most egregious offenders”—a category Allan left undefined but hinted could include “people who still quote Tim Wilson’s 2016 campaign slogans.”

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“Goldstein has all the makings of a perfect prison,” Allan said, gesturing to a map with dramatic red lines circling the electorate.

“It’s got water on one side for that Alcatraz vibe, million-dollar homes that can be converted into cell blocks, and enough coffee shops to keep the guards caffeinated 24/7. Plus, the property values will tank, so we can buy up the land cheap for future expansion.”

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The bold proposal comes as a response to Wilson’s campaign to reclaim the seat he lost to independent Zoe Daniel in 2022.
Allan, referring to Wilson’s free-market advocacy, suggested the prison would operate as a “public-private partnership” with local yoga studios and artisanal bakeries providing rehabilitation programs. “Imagine inmates doing downward dog in a converted mansion or kneading sourdough as part of their community service,” she quipped. “It’s tough on crime but soft on vibes.”

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Local residents, however, were divided on the plan.
Brighton retiree Margaret Worthington clutched her pearls, saying, “I moved here for the sea views, not to live in Victoria’s answer to Guantanamo Bay!”

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Meanwhile, a group of hipster baristas from Hampton Street started a petition to support the idea, provided the prison includes a “craft beer wing” and “sustainable composting facilities.”
Tim Wilson, unfazed, took to social media to fire back with his own jab. “Jacinta’s clearly rattled by my campaign’s momentum,” he tweeted. “If she wants to lock up Goldstein, I’ll counter by turning Springvale into a libertarian utopia with zero taxes and a Bitcoin-only economy. Your move, Premier!”

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Zoe Daniel, the current member, called for cooler heads at the escalating tensions, noting that Allan’s plan mirrors her own suggestions.  
“As David Pocock points out all the time, this was an idea that started with the Teals and has now been stolen by the major parties,” said Dr. Zoe Daniel. “Allan’s riffing on my idea that politics can be done differently. But let’s be real: the fencing must be made from ethical sourced material.”

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Disclaimer: This article is not serious and was inspired by Babylon Bee’s reporting